


Matters of the Mind

by theshipshipper



Series: We're All Part of the Cosmic Joke [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, memory loss au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshipshipper/pseuds/theshipshipper
Summary: "The nurses say she's getting better," Arya tells him a little later. "Holding onto her memories longer and longer. The doctors say that if her brain heals properly she might be able to hold onto memories again."That part did pique Jon's interest, quirking an eyebrow at Arya. "And the old ones?"She looked down, guilty. "Probably gone permanently. But it's still a good news - if everything goes right, we can make new ones with her."





	Matters of the Mind

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is about two months old now, written while I was consulting with neuros, so expect it to be a little angsty.
> 
> :D

As far as routines go, his is probably the worst. He knows everybody thinks that about their lives, how everyone thinks they have it bad, and Jon won't argue that fact. Maybe everyone is just as miserable as they say they are, but that's not his issue. His issue is that he doesn't think he has the right to think his life is bad.

But he does, and he can't help it. It's like everytime he starts being happy the gods would take one look at him and realize they don't want that. It sounds self-absorbed, and it probably is - he's a casualty of the events but it isn't about him.

He sighed, maneuvering his car into his usual parking space at the institute. He'd stay in his car for longer, trying to brace himself, if he didn't know that people are waiting for him inside. But he could spot a few of the Starks' car around the lot and he knows they wouldn't start without him, so he gets his ass out of the car and heads in.

When he enters the building, he finds Gilly manning the front desk, and he gives her a smile before asking his usual question.

"Good day today?" He asked as he wrote his name into the guestbook.

"It is," she agreed with an encouraging smile.

Gilly has never lied to him about these things but he never actually believes her until he sees it for himself.

"Thanks Gilly." He gives her one last smile before going in to find the Starks.

They booked a picnic table months ago so he knows he'd find them in the garden, and true enough, they're all already there, chatting mildly while waiting.

Arya's the first to notice him, jumping up to give him a hug.

"Happy birthday," she whispered, squeezing him for a second before letting him go.

The rest of the Starks then takes their turn giving him his birthday greeting and a hug - all but one.

Sansa remains seated on her chair, eyeing him curiously. It makes something inside him ache, even though he's seen that same curious expression on her face many times before.

It's her mother who introduces him to her, with a comforting arm around him. "Sansa, this is Jon Snow."

It took a long time for Jon to get Catelyn Stark's approval while dating her eldest daughter, and it's almost funny how he has it now that it doesn't matter anymore. Sansa can't even remember who he is.

"He's a friend of mine," Robb piped in, nodding at Jon to sit next to him. "You don't mind him joining us, do you?"

Jon meets her eyes then, swallowing down the lump on his throat at the lack of recognition there. Empty stare, if not a little curious.

"I don't mind," she said, turning to Jon with a polite smile. "It's nice to meet you, Jon."

He swallowed, nodding stiffly at her before turning away. "You too, Sansa."

They're all just a little off-footed here. Every interaction with Sansa is different everytime. Sometimes she's bubbly and excited to see her family, other times she's irritable and resents them for leaving her there.

Always, she doesn't remember him. Her memory doesn't go further than her nineteenth, and she met him a year after.

"The nurses say she's getting better," Arya tells him a little later. "Holding onto her memories longer and longer."

He kept his face impassive even as he nods. He's heard enough of these things to know not to believe it right away.

 _The healing process of the brain is unpredictable_ , Sansa's doctors liked to say. So maybe she seems like she's getting better but actually isn't. Whatever the case, it's better not to get his hopes up.

He doesn't say so to Arya though, because it's not something she needs to hear. But it seems like she already knows what he's thinking and says, "we asked her neuro. Says that if her brain heals properly she might be able to hold onto memories again."

That part did pique Jon's interest, quirking an eyebrow at Arya. "And the old ones?"

She looked down, guilty. "Probably gone permanently. But it's still a good news - if everything goes right, we can make new ones with her."

And if it happens and Sansa doesn't want him to be part of her new life? What will he do then?

Jon summons a smile for Arya. He knows how important this is to her. He knows that for the longest time in her life she and Sansa never got along and the time when they finally did are lost.

When Jon met Sansa, she and Arya were only starting to get close, and now Sansa doesn't remember that either. All her memories of her little sister were when they were kids; arguing constantly. And it hurts Arya, he knows.

The only thing they can do is accept it, though, because it's not Sansa's fault she doesn't remember any of it. Can't remember any of it.

It's after they'd eaten when she approaches him; a surprise since he didn't expect her to come to him at all.

As it's his secret birthday celebration, the Starks had told him to stay put and not do a thing while they cleared up the mess they made while eating, so it left Sansa and him at the picnic table. An obvious tactic if he ever saw one.

"Have we met before?" She asked, regarding him tentatively.

"Why do you ask?" He decides to say, evasive.

She looks around, noting that they're completely alone, and smiles. "They wouldn't bring you to a family gathering unless you're important, would they?"

He chuckled. That's his smart girl. "You got a point there," he agreed. "What do you think?"

"I think - " she studied him carefully, and then her expression changes. "I have this place I go to when I want to think, do you want to see?"

"Of course," he said. "If you want to show me."

He doesn't tell her that he knows where it is. She found it during her first month at the institute, and the nurses were all surprised that she kept finding it; that subconsciously, she remembers it.

One of the nurses, Sam, says that if they couldn't find her anywhere else, she'll be there. It's a wonder she can even remember it since she can't hold onto her memories for longer than a day.

She brought him there once. She found him at the visitor area and assumed that whoever he came there for didn't want to see him, so she brought him there to comfort him. And he cried.

She sits on one of the broken stems underneath the Weirwood tree now, looking at him with that ever-curious expression of hers.

"Did I - did I love you?"

He released a shaky breath, understanding where this conversation is headed. They've had it before. He comes closer to her, knows that it's safe to, and sits on the grass next to her.

"You did," he admits, looking down the ground. Some days he's still astounded that she did. "Very much."

"And you - did you love me?"

He swallowed, trying to ignore the past tense. People does that a lot, thinking that there would ever come a time that he'll stop.

"I do."

"Oh," she says thoughtfully, frowning at his words. "I'm sorry."

His lips quirked up slightly at that, raising an eyebrow at her. "You're sorry I love you?"

"I am," she agrees with a nod, a frown still creasing her brow. "It must be difficult. Loving me."

He shakes his head. "It isn't. Loving you is the easiest thing." He let out a heavy sigh. "It's all the rest of it that's hard."

"Oh." For a moment it seems like she's at a loss for words, and then, "How did we meet?"

That makes him smile. No matter how many times she's asked him, it's still his favorite story to tell her.

"We went to the same school, at KLU. And, uh - " he smiled in memory. "I worked at the library and you always went there. Stayed there for hours." He laughed at the memory of how ridiculous he felt everytime he saw her come in. "I had such a huge crush on you, it was ridiculous.

"You always stayed late, and you stayed at the second floor but - when it gets late you come down and stay at the table near me. You said it was because the second floor feels creepy when you're the only one there but I'm pretty sure you just wanted to stare at me. You did that a lot, I pretended not to notice since I did it too." He grinned at the amused expression on her face. "Anyway, yeah, after a while we started talking and getting to know each other."

"And then you asked me out?" She guessed.

He laughed. "No, you did." He smiled at the look on her face, so incredulous. "You said I was taking too long."

"I did?" She asked, disbelieving.

He nodded in confirmation. "I think I fell in love with you that day."

"Because I asked you out?"

"No, because of your reason in asking me out," he said with a reminiscent smile. "You said to me, 'I'm done letting fate dictate my life, I'm ready to make my own destiny' and then you kissed me."

"Smart girl," she decided.

"You are."

A small bout of silence overcomes them then, and he waits for her to speak again, unsure what else to say himself.

"Would it..." She trailed off, unsure how to proceed. She seems to be thinking of her next words carefully. "Would it help if I told you to move on?"

He tilts his head curiously at her. "Move on?"

She nods in confirmation. "If I loved you, I don't think I'd want you to stay. I wouldn't want you to keep waiting for someone who might never remember you again. I think I'd want you to be happy."

"So," she said, looking at him expectantly. "Would it help?"

Honestly, it wouldn't. Like may things, this is something she'd told him many times before. Ten, to be exact.

The first time she did, he tried. He really did. But it made him more miserable than not. He'd rather spend the rest of his life like this, even without her ever recognizing him, than a single day without her at all.

She gave him hope in his darkest hours, loved him when he was sure no one would. He's not going to abandon her just because she doesn't remember that. His love for her knows no bounds; no limit.

"It's my birthday today," he told her instead, pretending he didn't hear her question. He let out a shaky breath, looking up at the sky. "It looks like a nice day to have a birthday."

She gives him a sad smile, and he's sure he knows what he's thinking.

"I'm sorry that I keep hurting you," she told him sincerely. "Even if I wouldn't remember it tomorrow."

  
\----

  
Jon wiped his tears away at the sound of the door unlocking, but even so, Gendry catches him with tears still in his eyes when he gets to their living room.

"Hey," he said tentatively. "You okay?"

Jon nodded, giving him a smile despite the tears still streaming down his face.

He wiped it away with his fingers, sniffing. "Yeah," he assured. "Yeah, I am. It was a good day."

Gendry flopped down next to him, still watching him carefully. "How was Sansa?"

"Good," he said with a smile more sincere than the last. "She kissed me," he said with a slightly hysterical laugh. "Said it was her birthday present."

He sniffed again. "for a second, it was - " he heaved a shaky breath. "It almost felt like I had her back."

 

 


End file.
